Your children are not your children
They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself
They come through you but not from you
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you
You may give them your love but not your thoughts
For they have their own thoughts
You may house their bodies but not their souls
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow
Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams
You may strive to be like them
But seek not to make them like you
For life goes not backward, nor tarries with yesterday
(You are the bows from which your children
As living arrows are sent forth
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite
And he bends you with his might
That his arrows may go swift and far
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness
For even as he loves the arrow that flies
So he loves also the bow that is stable）
--- Kahlil Gibran

The book "The Nurture Assumption: why Children turn out the way they do" kicks off with this beautiful poem by Gibran (exclude the last two lines). Judith Rich Harris's book is a game-changer, challenging long-held beliefs about parenting. With detailed theories and experiments, it reaches a conclusion that's quite different from popular opinion: Experts got it wrong; parenting doesn't determine how kids turn out.

Parents influence their kids in two ways: genetics and upbringing. The book touches on genetics but focuses more on the latter. It's sometimes hard to tell if a kid's behavior is due to genetics or upbringing. Studies on adopted kids show they're more like their biological parents in terms of IQ. But personality? That's complex. Parents and kids live in different times, environments, and even cultures. Maybe one generation was all about strict discipline, and the next is all about freedom and individuality. The book dives deep into psychology, touching on a wide range of factor including geography, culture, group psychology, birth order, gender, and human nature.

Historically, there've been many misconceptions about raising kids. People once believed autism was caused by cold parenting (it's not). Or if two siblings were different, it was because parents treated them differently. Maybe it was how they were breastfed or potty-trained. Some still believe this.

A 1983 study by McGue and Martin found that adopted kids, personality-wise, weren't much like kids from different families or even their own siblings. Their conclusion? Parents' behaviors either don't influence their kids or influence them differently.

This might challenge our intuition. I've seen kids from divorced families (maybe an example of bad parental relationships?) turn out both great and not-so-great. People often masked by individual cases and missed the whole picture. We should rely more on the psychologists' stats.

The book also delves into group psychology and biology. There are two types of locusts in Europe that look alike. They can mate in labs but never in the wild because they sing different songs. A tiny difference divides them into two groups. The same goes for humans. Groups might have minor differences, but they're often entirely separate. Parents and kids, with their vast behavioral and thought differences, might not belong to the same group. In schools, kids with posh accents naturally form a group, separating from others, just because of their accent. It's like the separation between Neanderthals and our ancestors.

The book also discusses "Lord of the Flies" and related group psychology studies. One experiment had two groups of boys meet during a camping trip to see what would happen. By the experience it conclude that group psychology is crucial for group members. They learn norms, values, and behaviors from their group (peers), which influences their attitudes and actions.

One challenge in studying child education and psychology is that it's not like physics. You can't repeat experiments in isolated environments. A person cannot go back to 2 years old and get choose another environment like family. It is like a say: a person cannot step into the same river at two times.

For parents, the book's positive message is: Don't stress. You don't need to struggle to be a perfect parent (there's no such thing.). Just love your kids, provide a learning environment, integrate them into a healthy community, and help them make good friends.

The book includes many more interesting, well-reasoned analyses. It's a great read and highly recommended.